Headlines

Nov
20
Image Not Found

Local Man Can't Believe Woman Cooked His Steak

SOUTH LAKE TAHOE, CA -- At 7:07 pm last Saturday, Brian Jones, age 75, sat down at a rare treat Steakhouse and ordered a medium-rare filet mignon. When server Katey Smith went to check on him halfway through his meal, Jones wanted to let them know how pleased he was with his steak. “He told me to tell the man working the grill that he had just had the best steak he has ever had in his life, and when I told him it wasn’t a man behind the grill, he thought I was joking, ” says Smith, “so he told me he had to see it to believe it.” Smith proceeded to go back to the kitchen and get grill cook Natalie Souza. “He had this angry look on his face, like, ‘how dare they let a woman run the grill at one of the best steakhouses in town’,” says Souza, “you could see the steam coming from his ears.” Souza goes on, “I put out more steaks in one Saturday than most men do in their life, but when it comes to running the BBQ outside work, the men always tell me to step away from the grill, because apparently they know better than me. I just listen to them, then wince as I chew on medium-well rib-eye.” “That was the most perfect medium-rare I’ve ever had. It’s not possible, I refuse to believe it. This should not be allowed!” says Jones, “women belong in the kitchen if they’re making cupcakes or casseroles, but not cooking steaks. This needs to be illegal!" When Souza told him she also butchers the steaks for the restaurant, he fell over and passed out. Paramedics soon arrived at the scene. At the time of this reporting, Jones is in a stable condition and is expected to make a full recovery, however he told the press he would not be returning to a rare treat steakhouse anytime soon.

Nov
20
Image Not Found

Customer Turns Out to Be Good Guy

PORTLAND, OR -- When Mr. Chet Fletcher walked into a local cocktail bar*, the bartender gave this Sauce On the Side reporter (who was enjoying a leisurely seven drinks on their lunch break) a significant glance: a glance that said “this guy is going to be a total douche”. (At least I’m pretty sure that’s what it said. I was seven drinks deep at this point.) Chet Fletcher walked up to the bar and we looked him over. He had the thick mustache of a pedophile, the transition lenses of a 47-year-old father of three disappointing children, and a combover that he was trying way too hard to hide. The bartender greeted him, expecting an immediate “water”, but instead the man smiled pleasantly and asked how the bartender’s day was going. The bartender, my good friend Fred Douglas, was taken aback. “This guy actually acknowledged me as a human being,” he told me later as we both got wasted at his bar. Fred and Chet exchanged pleasantries before Chet ordered a dirty martini without asking for a dish of extra blue cheese olives. Then he pulled out his phone. Fred and I exchanged glances again, knowing he was probably about to start looking at porn inside the establishment. I leaned over surreptitiously on my barstool to take a peek, and to my surprise, Chet was merely reading an article about German Shepherds. He noticed me staring (as, slightly intoxicated, perhaps I wasn’t being as surreptitious as I thought I was), and simply nodded and smiled pleasantly at me before turning back to his drink. What is going on? Fred and I wondered. (At this point we were sharing a brain. It’s not weird.) Could this guy actually be. . .normal? Chet seemed to enjoy his drink and his German Shepherd article, made small talk with Fred, but not too much once he saw Fred getting busier, then asked for his bill and paid. Fred and I were shocked to see that he had tipped 20% in cash. We watched him as he walked to the host stand, said a cheerful goodbye to the host before thanking them, and exited the restaurant “Something weird is going on,” Fred said to me later after our fourth shot together while he was closing the bar. “I’ve never seen a guy come in here and be that chill.” I thought about telling Fred he should find a new place to work, but then I wouldn’t be able to drink for free during my work day. Instead, I nodded and started writing this article. I’m drunk so there may be misspellings, so please bare with me. Love you all, good night. *the establishment’s name has been omitted to protect the identity of the writer, Doug.

Nov
13
Image Not Found

New Show, “Saturday Night Live”, Will Stream Live Footage From Restaurant Kitchens Around the Country

Hollywood, CA -- Drama. Suspense. Comedy. It’s like your favorite soap opera, but real and authentic. “No script, no actors, just raw footage,” says Producer Emily Jackson, “we will simply put cameras in different areas around busy restaurants and turn them on between 5:30 and 9:30pm on Saturday nights.” Jackson says the show is will feature scenes such as the expo cussing out the new server, a line cook throwing a medium-well steak across the entire dining room, and the new hire fresh from culinary school crying in the walk-in over a box of beets. “Who doesn’t want to watch someone have a meltdown over forgetting a side of ranch?” Says Jackson, “It’s moments like these that you just can’t dream up in a TV show script.” “I think it will really capture what goes on behind the scenes while diners sit peacefully and enjoy their food,” Says David Rice, head chef at one of the featured restaurants, “I think it’s good for the industry as a whole and will give customers a little more empathy when they go out to restaurants. At least I hope so.” They are facing a few copyright issues over the name of the show, but nonetheless, the producers of “Saturday Night Live” plan to stand their ground on that front. The show will be for mature audiences only, and viewer discretion is strongly advised.