Headlines

Jun
16
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Dad Wonders Why He’s “Hated” Every Meal Since 2003

SAINT PAUL, MN -- Greg Smith stares out into the rain as his coffee grows cold, trapped in the midst of an existential crisis. At dinner last night, for the umpteenth time, he and his familiy’s server came up and asked how everyone enjoyed their meal; and, for the umpteenth time, Greg involuntarily blurted out “I hated it.” No one laughed. No one even batted an eye. Greg sat in the silence, as a creeping thought slowly dawned on him: “Did I really hate it?” Since then, Mr. Smith has been racking his brain in search of an instance when he didn’t respond with that seemingly hilarious response. “Every time I go out, I finish everything on my plate,” Greg, slowly stirring his “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, pondered. “I always thought that I was kidding when I told people I hated my meal, the plate’s empty after all. Now I’m not so sure. If it is a joke, why does no one laugh at it? My steak jokes always bring down the house, that’s a rare medium well done, but maybe I’ve been living a lie. Maybe I haven’t known what I like for a long time. This idea running through my head is harder to put down than the book on anti-gravity I was reading.”

Jun
15
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Line Cooks Uncomfortable With New Chef’s Jokes About Her Vagina

CLEVELAND, OH -- Chef Tamara Blaine walked into her first shift at The Chive Turkey having been warned that her new employees were “crude, lewd, rude, and occasionally semi-nude.” Having worked in the industry for years, this warning didn’t concern her in the slightest. She knew just what to do. On her second shift, she heard someone say “don’t be a pussy,” and Chef Blaine fired right back with: “Oh, so you mean don’t take a pounding and keep on trucking? It’s eight thousand nerve endings and it’s still not as sensitive as you are when I tell you your chicken’s overcooked, Dale.” “If I have to hear them talk about their dicks all day, you better believe I’m gonna give them a taste of their own medicine,” Tamara told Sauce On the Side. Every one of the line cooks is unsure how to take their boss’s unique approach in dealing with their locker room talk. They’ve all stopped joking about the size of their penises after Chef Blaine said to them one day: “You may get hard, but my vagina doubles in size when I’m ready to go. That’s seven inches of room motherfucker. How’s that stack up to your pecker?” “She’s insulting us, but it’s really informative and I don’t know what to do about it,” Chad Girth, a line cook at The Chive Turkey, said. “I had no idea what a Ben Wa Ball was before she started working here but she always tells us it’s going to fall out when we do something stupid. Oh, and apparently the vagina has the same pH as wine, so there’s been a lot of jokes about that, too. I also didn’t know that a vagina can smell faintly like bleach after intercourse, so that makes it kinda weird when we clean the drains.”

Jun
14
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Cook Wonders When Parents Will Grow Up, Work On Saturdays Like An Adult

BIRMINGHAM, AL -- Tyler Lawrence is on his last nerve with his parents. Every single weekend he works his ass off, while his parents send him text messages like: “Want to get lunch with us?”, “Could you make it to church this Sunday?” or “Let us know if you have any time this Friday.” They never seem to realize that he’s busy doing his job while they just kind of sit at home, or whatever it is people do on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. “It’s just sad to see them not doing anything with their lives,” Tyler said. “I just don’t think they realize that some of us have this little thing called a job that requires us to work 65 hours a week from Thursday to Monday. I mean, it’s cute that they think they’ve got it all figured out with a ‘salary,’ ‘vacation time’ and whatever the fuck ‘healthcare’ is, but I don’t buy it. “But I can’t really buy anything to begin with. I work hard for this money, and it doesn’t go far. Unlike my parents, who just order shit off Amazon willy nilly. I can’t wait until they realize the value of a dollar; you know, that thing that’s the difference between a pack of decent cigarettes or that McChicken you need so that you can say you ate something today. “They’re gonna wake up some day and think to themselves: ‘Oh my god, I wasted my life seeing foreign places and relaxing when I should have been yelling at a hostess about cleaning off sticky menus and then getting off and drinking the pain away until tomorrow when you have to do it all over again.’ That’s what it’s like for those of us who live in the real world.”

Jun
13
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Applicant Unsure How Much College Counts As “Some College”

GARY, IN -- Justin Jimenez really wants to get his “bitch of a grandma” off of his back and out of her basement. For some reason, all of the applications he’s handed in have yet to get him a callback. This fact is incredibly upsetting to a proud entrepreneur who’s unsuccessfully launched not one but two b-boy fashion lines. “Look, I’m qualified to carry plates to customers, or whatever, okay?” Justin told Sauce On the Side. “I’m probably more than qualified. Has anyone at McDonald’s ever had their revenge porn website shut down? Didn’t think so. Plus, I’m like a badass worker; I let anyone who interviews me know that I’m one of the best joint rollers in the city and they better believe I got that hook up for Molly.” As it stands now, Jimenez is updating his resume to include “some college” in the hopes that it gives him a leg up on the competition. “So, like, I started a bunch of semesters that my grandma paid for,” he said. “I almost finished three of them. Then there was that time I started with a women’s studies class because I thought there would be a bunch of pictures of titties or whatever, but that class was a total joke. So I guess if this doesn’t get me a fucking manager job, I’m just gonna have to start my new business venture once my grandma’s social security check comes in. It’s gonna be a CBD/hot dog cart.”

Jun
9
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No One Sure How to Tell Server Her Boyfriend Is A Total Dick

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Amanda Binds is dating a guy named Chadley Derrickson. As if that wasn’t reason enough for her to break up with him, he’s also a total dick and none of her co-workers are quite sure how to bring this fact up to her. Mostly because she keeps asking him to show up whenever she’s working. “So you know how sometimes the sweetest person in the world can end up with a total monster?” Amanda’s coworker Bethany Folsom, asked. “Well, that’s what’s happening right now, so there ya go. She’s so nice that none of us want to hurt her feelings, and then there’s Chad.” Chadley, currently in between jobs because he got fired from his dad’s dealership, likes to spend his free time hitting on any woman sixteen and up, so long as Amanda is out of sight. His go to pick up lines range from: “Fuck me if I’m wrong, but have we met before?” to “Name’s Chad, what’s it smell like?” Whenever Amanda is within earshot, Mr. Derrickson’s favorite activities include calling her “babe” way too many goddamn times, insulting whatever it is she’s doing regardless of his knowledge on the subject, and generally placing his hands wherever he wants to on her body. “On a creep scale from one to ten, I’d say Chad’s an R Kelly,” Bethany said. “If he hits on any of us one more time, I think we’re just going to have to tell Mandy what the fuck is up. I know every woman is entitled to go through her fuckboy phase, but this one has gone on far too long.”