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Sep
9
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Table Tips In "Thoughts And Prayers"

TALLAHASSEE, FL -- Sunday is always a mixed bag in the service industry. For those of us who serve, cook and clean, we see an interesting motley of people who find their way into the restaurant. At Breakfast ‘n’ Furious, a local eatery with booths in the shape of cars and outdated Paul Walker themed menu items that no one mentions anymore, it was a Sunday like no other. It was one of those days where, defying expectations, everybody came in. By midmorning the restaurant was packed with the delightful assortment of Sunday morning folks. Hungover twenty somethings sat next to uppity brunch guzzlers who just ran five miles with their yoga group. Families in their Sunday best sat next to couples who are both trying desperately to look cultured in front of their one night stand. (OK, I’ll tell you one of the special names: Took a turn to fast blackened chicken wings) One family was particularly out of place. A group fresh from church had all the makings of a bad table, and Erica was their server. “I knew it was gonna be rough right off the bat,” Erica told this reporter. “You know the type, where nobody wants to be there. They’re all dressed up so you know they came from church or something. The mom is just staring off into space, not looking at the menu or anything just like, ‘how did I get here?’ ‘is this what life is for other people?’ or ‘if I got a margarita would they let me drink it in the bathroom?’ and the kids are just little shits. “They’re starving, and bored, they already ate all the crackers at the table and got crumbs and shit everywhere, and the dad looks like the priest finally told him what he does with his fantasy football friends is gambling and the other stuff he does with Ted is against God’s law. But yeah, they’re pissed.” This happens all the time in the industry and we know. Sometimes you just end up at a restaurant and you just settle for it. That’s how people get to be at Applebee’s -both as customers and as employees. You just wake up one morning and realize, ‘Wow, this whole ‘life’ thing took a hard left at some point’ (Also the name of another special: Hard left soft boiled eggs with The Rock sauce -who the fuck knows what that is). “Yeah, so after they get done praying, and after the dad screaming at the kids that they’re going to have the ‘Fast and Furious presents: Ham and Carburetor Cajun Hushpuppies’ and like it, and the mom is just gonna have the ‘This Franchise will Never Die Falafel’ and the ‘Drifted Into Jelly Strawberry Danish’. They finally get done. Kids are the worst thing too. I do not understand how they consume food at all. When there’s kids at a table, it’s like someone just smashed the food with a hammer into all the surfaces around them. The thing is though, it’s like the same amount of food that I brought out to them, like did any of it get in their bodies? Can children just get nutrients by rubbing food on their faces? Cuz that’s all I see happen.” “Anyway,” Erica remarked, “This fucking piece of shit dad just draws a line through the tip space on the reciept and writes ‘You are in our prayers’ and they fucking leave. What a fucking dick. How about you take a fucking look at your life to see how far thoughts and prayers have gotten you? If you pray everyday for a better world or some ludicrous platitude like that, then all you need to do is turn on the fucking TV to see how well that shit is working out. I don’t understand how people surrounded by direct evidence of their own personal shittyness and constant failures can, at the same time, have the cognitive dissonance to think that they’re fucking excused from being a normal tolerant person because of the fact that they occasionally go to church. How do you square that circle Steve? By going to church at all, if you believe any of that shit, then you agree with the most basic tenets of religion, that a) there is an unknowable force that you can never fathom that moves in the world and you will struggle your whole life to have some sort of connection to it; and b) that force created the world around you. Agreeing with these things, you then walk out into that world that the thing THAT YOU JUST PRAYED ABOUT MADE FOR ALL HUMANS, and you’re like, I don’t need to do shit to make this any better. There’s nothing in this world that I don’t understand and that no one has feelings or beliefs or dreams or anything. You just think you can tip another human in “Thoughts and Prayers”. What the fuck is your life? You just wander from one anxious state of confusion to another without realizing the impact of the shit you do on the world and not thinking, FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND that maybe, just maybe, you don’t understand what’s going on, and you should do some fucking research and realize that I work here for fucking money to feed my family, and to do other things, and that other people are just as alive as you are and experience things with the same amount of depth and nuance as you, and it’s no fucking mystery that you need to treat the planet and the other people who live on it with respect and dignity. (also the funniest menu item is the Paul Walker Smash Burger)

Sep
6
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Manager Decides He And Unwitting Server Should Just Be Friends

BOSTON, MA -- Parker Conrad has been a manager at The Moist Clam for the past ten years. In that time, he has been able to hone the forever-alone, overly handsy hands-off management style that he’s notorious for. Most of his techniques are harmless. The only times things get dangerous is when Parker starts his astoundingly passive courtship ritual. “It’s the kind of thing you have to see to believe,” Sandra Maxwell, server at The Moist Clam and Mr. Conrad’s most recent inadvertent partner, told Sauce On the Side. “I guess he thought we had been dating for around six months now. Which is weird considering the closest we had ever gotten to fucking was the time his hand brushed my ass while we were running food. Oh, and I’m pretty sure he’s seen my literal boyfriend pick me up after work multiple times.” Parker realized that things had gone too far last night, when Sandra asked him if he had any plans for the evening. “I told her that we couldn’t keep doing this. That it was unprofessional and we should just be friends,” Mr. Conrad said. “She took it pretty well. She tried to pass it off like she wasn’t hurt by saying that she had no idea we were anything more than that. I’m used to women trying to mask their hurt when I break it off with them. Deep down, where it really counts, though, I know that Sandra remembers all those times that I refilled one of her table’s Pepsis, told her how much I liked her hair, and let her clock off early. I even got her a really nice cardigan that I pulled out of the lost and found. You can’t tell me that doesn’t mean anything. I just hope that we can be adults about this moving forward.”

Aug
22
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Bartender Arrested For Panhandling With Tip Jar

TULSA, OK -- After receiving several calls throughout the day in regards to vagrancy, local police were dispatched to Do It For The Vine, a local wine bar. As Officer Mike Laretto arrived on the scene, it wasn’t initially clear to him where the problem was. “Usually we’ll see people with signs out front that say something like: ‘Anything helps,’ or whatever,” the arresting officer told Sauce On the Side, “but this guy somehow made it inside the building! No kidding, he had his little jars up on the bar and everything.” Never, in his fifteen years of service, had Mike ever seen anything like it. He was shocked when the perp confessed that he had been trespassing inside the restaurant before it had even opened. It was later revealed that Dave Mason, upstanding citizen and owner of Do It For The Vine, was the one who called in the complaints. “Oh, it’s just a little strategy I have to deal with some of my employees,” Dave, sporting a super rad Tapout shirt and Billabong shorts, told Sauce. “Instead of writing them up, I just call the cops on them and have them arrested for a few days. I have no idea why the police haven’t figured out what I’m doing. Oh, and it’s a great way to run background checks. Turns out somebody I hired a while ago lied about having a felony on their record. So he’s been in jail for the past six months, but that’s what you get when you mess with a savvy business owner such as myself.”

Aug
22
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Old W-2 Shipped To New Address Proof That Restaurant Hasn’t Shut Down Without You

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Mike Stockton hadn’t thought about Crazy Joe’s Palace Of Paella since he walked off the line four years ago. Just last week, despite all the odds, he received an old W-2 from them. “It took me a second to realize what I was holding in my hands,” Mike told Sauce On the Side. “Frankly, I just can’t believe anyone there has their shit together enough to be able to send me something like this. I could have sworn I was the only one there holding everything together.” Stockton’s last two weeks at Crazy Joe’s Palace Of Paella were full of fantasies revolving around what was going to happen without him there to do all the things that everyone took for granted, like making sure the make table was holding temp, rotating backups, and literally putting out the fire that started underneath the flattop every single morning. “Now I just wanna go in there and see who the fuck is still on staff,” Mike said. “If Steve’s still there I’ll lose all faith in humanity. That guy jerked off in the bathroom before every single shift. My kitchen manager at Crazy Joe’s didn’t believe that garlic had any culinary use whatsoever. How the fuck do you cook with someone like that?”

Aug
21
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New Server Wears Protective Eyewear to Safety Meeting

TULSA, OK -- Maggie Bellson is Feeling Clammy’s greenest hire, and it shows. The newly 21-year-old, overly enthusiastic, aspiring dolphin trainer -despite being in a landlocked state, practically jumped for joy when one of her coworkers, Pete, invited her to a safety meeting at the bar. Maggie told him that she’d be back in ten minutes, and disappeared. “I just grabbed the goggles for my chem lab class that I keep in my car,” Maggie, searching through her car in the parking lot, told Sauce OTS. “You know, cause I don’t want them to think that I don’t take safety seriously. I told Pete how much being safe matters to me.” “I knew it, this chick’s an alcoholic for sure,” Pete, standing at the bar and watching Margaret root around her car, said to Sandra, the bartender. “She told me that she loves being safe, but I didn’t know she loved it enough to take a pull out in her car first.”