Headlines

Jul
21
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Kitchen Ecstatic Over Hostess's 18th Birthday

STOCKTON, CA -- High fives abounded on the line of Pizza Work upon hearing that Tiffany Whitman, beloved hostess and Instagram influencer, had celebrated her eighteenth birthday last night. The cooks knew that it was some time in July, but weren’t entirely certain when. For the back of house boys, this occasion is one of great joy and respite considering the fact they’re all registered. “I hope she’s ready because all of us are going to be coming for her, hard,” Dale Travis, line cook, told Sauce On the Side. “She’s officially an adult, and she needs to know that means she’s gonna have to roll her eyes and deal with our bullshit just like everyone else here. Because this kitchen takes civic engagement incredibly seriously.” Everyone in the kitchen at Pizza Work has spent the last month finding relevant articles, hand-making pamphlets, and plotting out the best route and time to take her to the DMV in order to register her to vote. With local elections coming up, the line holds firm to the belief that the death of any democratic system is an ill-informed populace.

Jul
18
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Kid Rock Kitchen Makes You Say “Bah-wi-da-bah?” About Kids Menu

DETROIT, MI -- When the Kid Rock Kitchen opened in downtown Detroit, no one was sure what to think, and the past six months haven’t helped anyone make up their minds. With entrees like the Natty Daddy Chicken Soup, Cowboy Steamed Canned Green Beans, and Fried Twinkie Encrusted with Chili Cheese Frito Doritos and a Jack Daniel’s Glaze, the menu has been described as: “Every reason to hate America in one manifesto” and “The ramblings of a manic depressive Guy Fieri’s dying soliloquy.” The unnecessarily aggressive ad campaign directed at single fathers who have their kids for the weekend has been a source of controversy. Critics claim that the promotions relied too heavily on phrases like “Our Masculinity Isn’t Toxic, Bitch, It’s Edible”, “She Took the House, But You Took Her Virginity On Prom Night in the Back of Your Bitchin’ Camero”, and “Our Servers Have Large Breasts!” Every table has its own bottle of Jack Daniel’s on it, with a sign reading “It’s Your Meal, Jack It.” This and their refusal to check ID’s because “age is a number” has led to many a drunk grade-schooler wandering around the restaurant wanting “a fucking coloring book.” The fact that the Baja Blast Bar’s liquor license hasn’t been suspended is an utter miracle. Kid Rock Kitchen’s existence in the year 2019 is largely inexplicable. Then again, so is Kid Rock’s career at this point. So, for better or worse, everyone in the Detroit area is stuck with it for the foreseeable future.

Jul
17
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Family Of Four Asks Jesus How Much They Should Tip

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- The Jefferson family took each other’s hands, closed their eyes and bowed their heads. “Oh Lord,” Pat Jefferson, patriarch of the family and amateur climate change denier, said loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear. “We ask that you bless this restaurant and all the souls inside of it, and I pray that your spirit guides my hand as I give Brenda the tip that she deserves. Please forgive her and the hands that made this meal for sending out the appetizer with the meal, and for oversalting the soup…” Pat’s list of grievances ran on for a solid fifteen minutes. Covering everything from the music being satanic to the air conditioning being on too high. For their server, Brenda Aimes, this is nothing new. “Those dicks come in every week and it’s always the same thing,” Miss Aimes told Sauce On the Side. “Instead of letting us know what’s wrong, they wait until we bring them their check and then just start rattling off shit for the entire restaurant to hear. I’m pretty sure the only reason they do it is because they suck at math. They always tip ten percent. No matter what.”

Jul
16
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Couple On A Date Doesn't Get Into A Fight

NEWARK, NJ -- The staff at Here Comes Truffle know they’re terrible people. That’s exactly why they have a game called “Order a double, get two singles.” The entire point of the game is to get any couple who shows up as drunk as possible, try as hard as they can to get them to start fighting, and then watch the fireworks -bonus points are awarded if someone has to call the police. Until now, the exercise that guarantees them a spot in hell/kills time had been wildly successful and then Jordan Meyers and Greg Blair showed up. “We’ve done everything right,” Kelsey Darnell, their server, told Sauce OTS, “but it’s just not enough. The kitchen has been holding on to their order for the past forty-five minutes, we put them right under a vent and cranked the AC, they’ve had a shit ton to drink, I’ve been flirting with the guy every single time I come up to check on them, and we’re playing Say Yes to the Dress on all the TVs. Still, nothing. This is total bullshit, we know they’re a couple. All of this is prime ‘let’s fight’ material.” “What’s going on here,” Jordan asked Greg. “We’re going to be late to the family reunion if we don’t get our food soon, and I’m not going to eat whatever Uncle Lou is grilling.” “I don’t know, dude,” Greg said. “Just be glad we’re getting stiff drinks. I’m not showing up without a solid buzz, anyway.”

Jul
12
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Sous Chef Leaves To “Find Himself” At Restaurant Next Door

CHARLOTTE, NC -- Dale Conrad is working his last shift at Blazé Faire today in order to start a new life for himself across the street at Der Schnitzel, a polynesian restaurant, where they: “Recognize the untapped potential of an artist,” according to Conrad. He’s frequently told his coworkers that if they go under, he’d be more than happy to come back and take the head chef’s position. “Over my dead body,” Carl Menken, the current head chef for Blazé Faire, told Sauce On the Side. “This is the same kid who came up with artisanal pigs in a blanket for a 100 dollar a plate fundraiser we were catering. He calls himself an artist but I truly believe that he has no idea what that means. “Two weeks ago, he told me that I was suffocating his creativity. I literally had to stop what I was doing for a second when I realized that the motherfucker was serious. He couldn’t come up with an original thought to save his life. The only reason he’s going across the street is because I told him to. I guess that’s a sous chef for you, though.”