July 2019

Uncategorized

Employee No Call-No Shows When Mercury is in Retrograde

Kansas City, MO -- It was a busy Sunday. An adorable little wine bar called Rose It Ain’t So was frantically preparing for the daily happy hour rush. They had already had three employees experience transportation issues getting to work,…

Christa JamesJuly 31, 2019

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Server Hears The Gates Of Hell Open As She Rings Back Call-In With Separate Boxes For Every Part Of The Order

BALTIMORE, MD -- A cold chill came over Melissa Bronson as she hung up the phone and sent the caller’s order back to the kitchen. For the first time in her life, she felt true despair as a disembodied voice…

Eric MadsenJuly 24, 2019

Uncategorized

Customer Complains Well Whiskey Isn’t Terrible Enough

BIRMINGHAM, AL -- Bryan, a newcomer to Suzy Q’s Palace of Booze, informed Sauce OTS that the whisky he had ordered was alright, but not exactly what he was expecting. “It just didn’t have that aggressive chemical aftertaste I seek…

Jack MilkyJuly 23, 2019

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New Season Of Chef’s Table Follows Chef Home To Watch As They Microwave Ramen

Netflix has announced a new angle for the show that simultaneously keeps cooks from killing themselves, reminds people why they cook in the first place and makes anyone who works back of house aroused in a confusingly shameful way. Instead…

Sean RussellJuly 22, 2019

Uncategorized

Kitchen Ecstatic Over Hostess’s 18th Birthday

STOCKTON, CA -- High fives abounded on the line of Pizza Work upon hearing that Tiffany Whitman, beloved hostess and Instagram influencer, had celebrated her eighteenth birthday last night. The cooks knew that it was some time in July, but…

Greg ParkerJuly 21, 2019

Uncategorized

Kid Rock Kitchen Makes You Say “Bah-wi-da-bah?” About Kids Menu

DETROIT, MI -- When the Kid Rock Kitchen opened in downtown Detroit, no one was sure what to think, and the past six months haven’t helped anyone make up their minds. With entrees like the Natty Daddy Chicken Soup, Cowboy…

Greg ParkerJuly 18, 2019

Uncategorized

Family Of Four Asks Jesus How Much They Should Tip

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- The Jefferson family took each other’s hands, closed their eyes and bowed their heads.“Oh Lord,” Pat Jefferson, patriarch of the family and amateur climate change denier, said loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear. “We ask…

Connor IvesJuly 17, 2019

Uncategorized

Couple On A Date Doesn’t Get Into A Fight

NEWARK, NJ -- The staff at Here Comes Truffle know they’re terrible people. That’s exactly why they have a game called “Order a double, get two singles.” The entire point of the game is to get any couple who shows…

Sasha JordanJuly 16, 2019

Uncategorized

Sous Chef Leaves To “Find Himself” At Restaurant Next Door

CHARLOTTE, NC -- Dale Conrad is working his last shift at Blazé Faire today in order to start a new life for himself across the street at Der Schnitzel, a polynesian restaurant, where they: “Recognize the untapped potential of an…

Eric MadsenJuly 12, 2019

Uncategorized

Manager Refuses To Believe Broken Walk-In Is Getting Warmer

MONTGOMERY, AL -- Kurt Douglas hasn’t trusted science ever since he heard the news that Pluto was no longer a planet. These firmly held beliefs are usually harmless, like when he was sick and started himself on a sanitizer water…

Greg ParkerJuly 9, 2019

Employee No Call-No Shows When Mercury is in Retrograde

Server Hears The Gates Of Hell Open As She Rings Back Call-In With Separate Boxes For Every Part Of The Order

Customer Complains Well Whiskey Isn’t Terrible Enough

New Season Of Chef’s Table Follows Chef Home To Watch As They Microwave Ramen

Kitchen Ecstatic Over Hostess’s 18th Birthday

Kid Rock Kitchen Makes You Say “Bah-wi-da-bah?” About Kids Menu

Family Of Four Asks Jesus How Much They Should Tip

Couple On A Date Doesn’t Get Into A Fight

Sous Chef Leaves To “Find Himself” At Restaurant Next Door

Manager Refuses To Believe Broken Walk-In Is Getting Warmer

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July 2019

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