NEW YORK, NY — Brad Darvis has grown accustomed to a certain level of comfort after the government shut down. For thirty days of bliss, Brad, a line cook who makes a few dollars above minimum wage, was earning more money than those entrusted with keeping our skies safe. “They were really phoning it in,” Mr. Darvis told Sauce On the Side, “which was awesome for me, I didn’t have to leave my dugout in the car.  Everyone else seemed pissed about the lines and everything. I kept trying to tell them how cool it was that we could bring weed, cocaine and sometimes ketamine into the airport now, but they were kinda dicks about it.”


The young line cook’s inability to contextualize things outside of himself has never been an asset and yet, it doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. “I can’t have things going back to the way they were before,” Brad told Sauce On the Side, “I’ve been writing my congressman, trying to tell them how awesome this shut down is but they don’t seem to care about the little guy. It’s like, why do we even need the government anyway? All they want to do is keep you from having a good time. It’s been nothing but a party ever since we could take whatever we wanted into the airport. My buddy Craig brought his gun in for shits and gigs last week, it was hilarious. I can’t wait for the next shut down. Hopefully, the government gets its shit together and closes soon.”

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