ORLANDO, FL -- The EMTs for Florida Hospital have been posted up in the Starbucks across the street from Perkins for about twenty minutes, just waiting for the inevitable calls to stream in. “It’s the same shit every afternoon. People come in thinking they’re gonna have a nice, bland, low-sodium meal. And then, bam, they’re face down in a Farm Fresh Omelet,” Steven Tyler, the ambulance driver, said. Healthcare workers around Orange County, or the OC as the locals call it, refer to the 4:15 PM deluge of seniors into area Perkins locations as “The Blue Hair Death March.” “It’s a little known fact that Perkins is responsible for more Life Alert dispatches than actual falls. You know, the whole point of their commercials,” Oscar Wilde, an ER nurse, told Sauce On the Side. “Far as I’m concerned, the ad should have that nice lady saying: ‘Help! I’ve taken my grandchild out for dinner and the cook used too much artificial butter!’ I don’t know how those kitchen workers sleep at night knowing what it is that they do.” “Like a baby,” Charles Manson, one of the line cooks and aspiring spiritual healer, stated. “I like to think that our clientele knows what they’re doing. I actually fancy myself a bit of a Dr. Kavorkian, if you will. Our location was ranked number one in ambulance dispatches in the nation. That’s the kind of thing that’s hard to ignore. People come from all over the US to bite the big one here. I tried to get a banner outside letting people know they could come here for their death row meal, but the lawyers shut it down and I got formally reprimanded. Total bullshit, right? Whatever, I guess we’ll just have to keep it an open secret for now.” It should be noted that Perkins is owned by Haliburton, the parent company of Sauce On the Side.