SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Paul Downs, front of house manager at Bruschetta Bout It, is beginning to wonder if Tiffany Carter, his second-worst employee, is actually an avid anti-vaxxer or just incredibly lazy. Carter does everything she can to continue the charade, from Paul’s perspective, she distributes homemade literature that nobody bothers to read, frequently talks about how her brother has autism and attempts to heal people with crystals that she blesses at home. “I’m not a doctor,” Paul said, “but I’m pretty sure that you can only get measles once. I tried to tell her that once, but she just started yelling at me about my skull shape being ‘devious’ and that her yellow bile was off, or something.” After Tiffany called in today, Paul put the phone back on the receiver and dug through the trash can, looking for one of her pamphlets. Around elbow depth, Mr. Downs found what he was looking for. “Don’t let your kids get shot” the cover read in red and blue crayon. Only after opening the free literature and reading its contents, as only the kitchen had in order to make fun of her, did Paul see through Tiffany’s ruse. “Autism and vaccines are BADBADNOTGOOD,” Downs glassed from the page. “The government has us in their Death Grips and there’s only one thing we can do about it: NeverShoutNever! We’re in Dire Straights, people, stop putting Poison in your children. Vaccines = Bad Medicine.” “Oh my god,” Mr. Downs, glancing up from the page, muttered to himself. “It’s brilliant, she has no fucking idea what she’s talking about. But she’s so confident nobody’s bothered to question her. I can’t wait to fire her, you know, as soon as somebody who I don’t need to train or babysit on the POS applies.” Another six months and three more “measles infections” would go by before Paul found such an employee.