PORTLAND, OR -- Clay Terracotta has been a chef for over six months now. Not only does he have days of experience as a Sous Chef, he’s also a total dick. Or at least he was, now he’s got a super rad bandana that he wears on the line every day. Everyone on staff’s entire outlook on Clay shifted the minute he walked into the employee entrance wearing what has been described as “literal sex” on his head.

“I hated him, I really did,” Kendra Jackson, a server and former Clay-ter, told Sauce On the Side, “but the minute he walked in wearing a bandana, I knew we must’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. Now I realize all the times he has sexually harassed me and all the other servers weren’t actually sexual harassment. He’s just a playful pervert with a decorative rag on his head.”

“We were gonna kill him,” Daniel Yates, on of Clay’s fellow line cooks, said, “I’m not kidding. We had it all planned out, Jeff had the most trunk space so he was gonna dump the body after Pat and I had dismembered him. Then, Clay walks in wearing that fucking treasure crown...dripping with sexy....and I just realized that we couldn’t go through with it anymore. Now I don’t even mind that he brings down ticket times through the entire rush and refuses to do side work because it’s beneath him. He’s got a bandana.”

Gabriella Thames, head chef, had this to say: “I was addicted to PCP before Clay’s headband. I thought PCP was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and then that literal saint walked into the door and saved my life. I just quit doing PCP right then and there. Turns out miracles and angels are real, they’re just wearing a glorified hairnet.”