JACKSONVILLE, FL -- Throughout history, kitchens have been a safe space for hate and rage. Anyone who’s spent more than five minutes on the line knows that it’s a sink or swim situation when it comes to shit talking. However, no one in Nice To Meat You’s kitchen, despite their combined fifty years of experience, has any idea what to do with Derrick Parker, their latest hire.
“We like to haze the new guy; everyone does,” Tanner McCabe, one of Derrick’s trainers, told Sauce On the Side. “It’s a good way to test their temperment. You know, so we can figure out if it’s a good fit. But this guy is. . .we just don’t know how to handle him. He’s ruining everything.”
Rather than just taking the insults or trying to go tit for tat with his coworkers, like any normal person would, Derrick never fails to help pile on the hurt. They’ve all agreed to never bring up Mr. Parker’s mother again, after Tanner said that he’d slept with Derrick’s mother last night and the new hire responded by saying:
“Yeah, you probably did. She’ll sleep with anyone. I think that’s why I have trust issues now. Growing up with a mother who gained her self-worth extrinsically really made for a tumultuous home life. You do kind of look a little bit like my dad. His tragic death sent my mother into the arms of anyone who could provide her comfort. I imagine your appearance would be an assent if you were to sleep with her. I’m sure the age difference wouldn’t matter to her. This one time when I was in high school…” This went on for around an hour and a half.
Derrick’s long, rambling psychoanalysis occur anytime an insult is hurled within his earshot. This has forced everyone in the kitchen to write their remarks on guest checks and pass them around the kitchen when Mr. Parker’s not looking.
“It’s like we’re in middle school, or something,” Tanner said. “It’s not like I’m going to stop talking shit on everyone I work with. That would be ridiculous. I’m trying to convince our manager to fire Captain Bummer so that we can have a normal kitchen again. It sucks because he’s a good worker, but if he’s gonna kill the mood all the time, he’s gotta go.”
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