ROCHESTER, NY -- Bobby Fisher is a dishwasher at Hold On, I’m A Cumin and an aspiring health guru who has just self-published his first book: The Human Petri Dish Diet. The book is his latest attempt to spark a nation-wide health craze and is entirely focused on his belief that drinking from any and all cups that are sent back to him in the dish pit is the key to an eternal life devoid of illness.
“I’ve never been healthier in my entire life,” Bobby, downing an entire glass of brown, strangely murky liquid told SauceOTS. “And you can too. Drinking after hundreds, even thousands of people every single day exposes my immune system to both good and bad bacteria. They’re called eukaryotic and prokaryotic bacteria. The prokaryotes are the good ones because ‘pro’ means good, but I don’t want to get overly technical.”
His publication/manifesto has sold an inexplicable three thousand copies. This has caused his kitchen manager Kent to slide into a deep and seemingly insurmountable depression. Just imagining how many people are being made ill by his employee’s terrible advice has left him with the growing urge to quit and wash his hands of responsibility.
“I just found an Armenian doctor who’s going to endorse my program as soon as he gets his medical license back,” Mr. Fisher said. “I’m so happy that this routine is catching on as fast as it is. It’s way more effective than my last idea; turns out eating from the garbage and drinking bleach afterwards isn’t the best way to live forever. I guess I just mean that it won’t work for everyone. My aunt had cancer and I talked her into stopping treatment and doing it. She died pretty quick, so I had to find something that would work for everyone, not just me. And I think with my patent-pending ‘Snowballing Strangers’ method, I’ve got a good shot at not killing anyone this time.”
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