NEW YORK CITY, NY – Longtime employee at local bar and feline adoption agency, Purrhosis, Jason Talbots, was admitted into the ICU late last week after yet another 70 hour ‘work’ week. Talbots reportedly collapsed three times during his ‘scheduled’ daily after-work bender. Sauce OTS met up with Chloe Patras, coworker and self-proclaimed ‘enabler’ of Jason. Chloe was all too ready, and excited, to talk about her role in the situation, saying: “Yeah, it’s just been effin’ crazy lately, man! Jason’s been workin’ his effin’ cock off and it’s been showin’ man. Dude’s an effin’ work-horse! He’s been gettin’ done with his shift at like 4 in the afternoon, man. Then he’s been stayin’ here all the way up to like 1 or 2 in the friggin’ mornin’ man. I don’t know how he does it, but his hospital reports show it, man! He’s never turned down a post-shift beer or a mid-shift shot since he’s worked here. Sometimes he’ll send a Facebook status up when he’s hungover the next day asking for some fast food or whatever. And you know me and my girls are jumpin’ on the opportunity to bring him what he needs.”
Jason’s coworkers were completely unphased when blood test results came back diagnosing Talbots with acute liver failure. “I just assumed it was part of the job to drink after work,” Talbots said, weakly from his hospital bed, “I never saw a coworker go straight home from work. I always thought it was mandatory to have a drink afterwards. Did you know I was deep into the Mennonite faith before this job? My parents were teetotalers and they raised me to be that way. I just didn’t want to be the odd one out here. Well that, and my best friend’s Rumspringa lined up pretty nicely with me getting hired at this job, so I guess there’s that,”
Talbots has since filled out the paperwork at the hospital for Workman’s Compensation and sent the bill back to his employer. His company’s HR department accepted the claim on grounds that he wouldn’t tell anyone about the exorbitant discounts employees get on drinks at the bar. “I think at the very least he deserves some kind of hazard pay,” Stephanie, Purrhosis’s head of HR nervously stated, “this has gotta be some sort of a workman’s comp situation.”
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