JACKSON, MS -- In a startling and arguably unconstitutional action, a Judge in Hinds County found cause to issue a restaurant-wide interlock device for the time clock at Git ‘Er Crumb, a decoupage menagerie of French delicacies on Jackson’s Southside. This startling decision comes as a relief to three buzzkills and leaves the rest of the staff angry and confused.

	Local commuters are excited about the decision citing numerous hit-and-park incidents that have taken place in the restaurant’s parking lot, not caused by over-served customers, but by the inebriated staff.

	Reached for comment via the single working landline in Mississippi, one neighborhood regular stated that she was rammed several times by a server attempting to escape the restaurant. The server at the time was lamenting that a brand of chili flavored Doritos had been discontinued.

	“This is unfair,” one busser stated when stated. “Not all of us drink like Stacy or Chef or Travis or Mike or Craig or Sarah. Okay, so there’s like three of us who don’t drink like everyone else. Because of that, though, now I have to blow in this machine before I start work, and guess who has to clean the nozzle? Me. I read online that it’s an affront to due process. And the nozzle doesn’t fit anywhere in the dishwasher. So I’ve just been rinsing it off in the bathroom for the past two weeks. Bottom line, everyone’s sick now and it’s that judge’s fault.”

	“See, here’s the deal,” manager Tony Ramos informed Sauce On the Side. “The Judge just happened to be running the DUI docket when there happened to be three of my employees getting their second DUI and then two more getting their third. That’s just bad luck. And the assaults? Those happen at every restaurant. You never hear about the shit that goes down a Chuck’E’Cheese but I’m sure those kids fight all the time. Git ‘Er Crumb just doesn’t have the deep pockets that big Chuck does. It’s a double standard for sure.”

	“They can’t stop us,” exclaimed Chef Bezos, a recently divorced line cook. “All you have to do is start drinking after you start working. I get here at 9:00 a.m. right after I go to the liquor store, and I just start drinking a little later.”

	“I just got Cindy to clock in for me. She’s in AA cuz she had a baby in jail after her first DUI, so she’s almost always sober,” a server who would not give their name told this reporter in the parking lot. “I just feel like this whole thing has made the staff come together as a family.”

“Yes, there have been some issues,” Manager Ramos clarified. “And yes, the staff collectively drinks quite a bit, but I think we need to focus on the food. It’s great, and the parking lot, lobby, dining area, and dumpster area have all been declared ‘safe’ is the real story here. Now if you would just hang on, I can’t clock in for another hour cuz I locked the machine.”
      
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