DENVER, CO -- After just three weekday shifts, a recent hire has some fresh ideas that would take the food, and the restaurant he works for, in an artful and novel direction. The new cook, whose previous experience consisted entirely of working as a "food packaging specialist" and "bag space maximization engineer," at a local grocery store well into his mid twenties, called an unprecedented unilateral staff meeting early this week. The new guy, who for the sake of anonymity we will call: ‘White-boy-jackass-probably-is-into-yoga-so-he-can-suck-himself,’ requested the meeting to discuss several unexploited opportunities for diversifying the menu.



"Why can't we also serve, like, Chinese food too, like, we have noodles!" he said when reached for comment via FaceTime, “we could have, like, all sorts of extra things, like, in a restaurant, you can make whatever, like there's an oven and stuff, we could just make anything."



When later asked to elaborate on his ever expanding unifying theory of restaurant service, White-boy-jackass-probably-definitely-pees-in-the-shower-and-has-undoubtedly-tasted-it-like-several-times-to-get-a-more-realistic-understanding-of-his-own-kidney-function, stated over text: "We don't even need menus, just have ppl come to the restrrant and ask 4 whatever they want, chinees, mixican, whatever, it's stupid that we r just loosing that money to other restrants -sent from my iPhone” Unprompted, he continued, "Pppl could come in and say ‘bae whatchu want?' and they wouddnt have to cook for them or nothin. Or we could mix them! -sent from my iPhone."



The rest of the kitchen stated that they looked forward to the meeting commenting that they hooped alcohol would be provided. When reached for comment, sous chef on duty told Sauce OTS: "Yeah, screw that guy. We've all agreed, nobody's going to teach him knife skills in the hope that he somehow cuts his dick off.”
      
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