TULSA, OK -- Stacy Dansen thought that getting drunk last week and using a ouija board at her bar, Put Out An ABV, after hours sounded like a fun idea. She never really believed in ghosts or demonic possession or the afterlife at all, for that matter, but now she has irrefutable proof that something transcends this plane of existence. “I think I’ve been possessed by the soul of this restaurant,” Stacy said sweetly, cleaning menus in a dark corner of Put Out An ABV. “It’s like I can’t clock out. I haven’t been able to turn off my customer service voice ever since I used that goddamn ouija board.”
This statement has been confirmed by her coworkers. Who maintain that, even when complaining about guests, she’s cordial. She was overheard today saying: “That darn bitch over at table thirty-two needs another side of ranch, please. I know, they’re the fucking worst, but I’m so glad they came in today!”
Her boyfriend has also come forward to assert Miss Dansen’s claim, stating: “It’s starting to interfere with our sex-life hardcore. At first I thought she was just role-playing when she asked me if she could polish my glassware. Turns out that wasn’t innuendo. Then when we did end up having sex later that night, she wanted to know if I was enjoying everything the whole time. It took a while, but when I finally did finish Stacy was all like: ‘Thanks for coming in! Is there anything else I can get you?’ I don’t know, man, I’ve been looking online for restaurant exorcists but all the links end up being about AA meetings.”
Stacy’s tried everything she could think of to end her misery: drinking a glass of water while holding her nose, watching Waiting backwards, even doing all her closing work for once. All to no avail. Every time she drinks herself to sleep, Miss Dansen wakes up to find that she’s rolling silverware at work, with no recollection of how she got there in the first place.
After much digging, Sauce On the Side was able to find an expert on service industry possessions: possible docotor, Dale Conrad, veteran server and aspiring erotic novelist. “I’ve seen cases like this a thousand times before,” Dr? Conrad told Sauce OTS. “Classic server possession right here. Fortunately, the curse can be lifted. All she’s gotta do is stop working front of house and spend a month in the kitchen. Those irreverent, disgusting jackasses are the only cure for her. Thirty days over a fryer will cause anyone to forget all about how important it is to be nice to people.”
Stacy’s only comment after being told of her solution was: “I dunno, suicide sounds pretty good, too.”
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