DURHAM, NC -- Bethany Springfield believes herself to be a monster, and she’s absolutely right. Morally, physically, mentally, and emotionally, she’s about to reach a breaking point, and it’s all thanks to the fact that Bass to Mouth, her employer/seafood restaurant/front for human trafficking only carries Pepsi--you know, like the Nazis would if they were around today.
“This is the hardest job I’ve ever had,” Bethany, crying in dry storage, told Sauce On the Side. “I’ve been a server for over a decade, alright? I never had a problem telling a customer that we didn’t have something, but Pepsi? When they find out we don’t have Coke, it’s like looking into the eyes of someone who just watched the love of their life murdered right in front of them.”
Miss Springfield cannot bring herself to understand why any restaurant would even bother to have sweetened industrial sludge that probably causes infertility on tap. Not even Jesus Christ himself, according to Bethany, could turn Pepsi into something palatable.
“I have recurring dreams where I ask customers if Pepsi is alright, and then they just start attacking me, and every time I do, I wake up disappointed that it wasn’t real. Because that’s what anyone who says that deserves,” she stated.
Recent studies have shown that at the exact moment a glass of Pepsi is filled, a beloved childhood pet is struck by a motor vehicle, 3 people die of malnutrition, and someone utters the words “Nickleback is my favorite band.” Despite PepsiCo’s hand in these atrocious and despicable acts, restaurants everywhere continue to carry their swill.
“These monsters need to be held accountable,” Bethany told Sauce OTS. “A reckoning is coming, goddammit.”
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