DURHAM, NC -- The staff of Beverly Pils has been thrown for a loop this week after their favorite coworker and drinking buddy joined Alcoholics Anonymous. “Crazy Randy,” as he’s known to his friends, was born Randal Jonestown and made the unfortunate decision to try and get his life together. “I just feel like Crazy Randy isn’t thinking about how his decisions affect us,” Stacy, a server at Beverly Pils, told Sauce OTS, “he’s just different. I miss the old Randy. The one who used to Urinate on the patio after being cut off. It’s just sad to watch someone throw their uninhibited lifestyle away.”

Randal’s fellow line cooks have taken a more militant stance on their friend’s decision. After a few days of sober Randy, they’ve decided that enough is enough, and that he’s going to pick the bottle back up or be fired. “I’ve already written the letter I’m going to read to him when he comes in for his next shift,” Conrad Davis, Randy’s coworker, said, “I’m going to try not to cry when I read it, but no guarantees. Here’s an excerpt from it: Randal, remember when you got really drunk and decided that it was a good idea to take twelve hits of acid? Probably not, but you were super rad that night. A life without you to look up to as a cautionary tale isn’t a life I could ever hope to endure. Please come back to us Crazy Randy. If you start partying again, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we will tolerate your inevitable nudity much better than we have in the past. I love you, bro.

The staff plans to intervene on their beloved Randal tomorrow. They’ve requested that an A&E film crew from the show Intervention be present to film the ordeal. The studio has adamantly refused to attend the event, stating: “not only is it against everything we stand for as a network, but we are also confused as to what they want from ‘Crazy Randy.’ That being said, he does sound like a super fun guy to party with.”
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