LONG BEACH, CA -- The employees of The Smell Jar have been trying to solve the mystery of their general manager’s disappearance for two hours now. “The cops don’t know what they’re doing, and there’s no way we’re going to call them,” Felix Jones, line cook at The Smell Jar, said, “our boy Doug has been missing for two hours. He’s always on time. His phone’s going straight to voicemail and he’s not at home. There’s no way he’s not dead.” The front of house and bar staff have been focused on recreating their manager’s alleged last day on earth with painstaking detail. In order to accommodate the investigation, the staff has decided to close the restaurant for the day.

“We’re going to take as long as we have to in order to get to the bottom of this,” Candice Casey, server and murder podcast enthusiast, told Sauce OTS, “We’ve made a detailed chart of Doug’s every move and we’re looking into several suspects at the moment.” The servers seem to have a tenuous grasp on what it means to interrogate someone, but after bringing three people in for questioning, they’ve gotten nowhere. Currently, the bartenders are on the internet, looking up how to waterboard someone. The kitchen is more focused on the ‘frontier justice’ aspect of the whole investigation, rather than actually solving the mystery itself.

“Yeah, so we’ve already decided that I’m going to be the judge,” Felix, said, “I can assure you that when we find whoever killed our manager, he’s not going to get a light sentence.” The back of house has been having a great time decided how they will be punishing the perp in question. Most of the retribution centers around forcing the murderer to do their jobs, with the occasional corporal punishment peppered in. Sauce On the Side was able to locate Doug, who had this to say on the matter: “They’re what? Jesus, I told them fifteen times that I was going on vacation for one damn week. I promised myself I wasn’t going to turn my phone on, and I guess that’s what I get.”
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