Stand-Off With Table 74 Ends Peacefully, Two Hours After Close
Jun 2, 2019
SPRINGFIELD, MO -- The staff at The Man Crave: WINGZ N’ BEER BRO breathed a sigh of relief as Jack and Diana Parsons, along with several friends, at table 74, finally walked out of the restaurant. To the employee’s incredulity, table 74 strode into the night as if they had no idea that they had just been engaged in a great game of wits.
Conrad Elroy and Emily Smith, the two closing bartenders, brought everything to bear against the Parsons and friends. They were putting stools up as loudly as they could, discussing their plans after work as loudly as they could, turning off the music in hopes that silence would do what the sound of counting down the drawer couldn't. All to no avail. The couple continued to occupy table 74 with the determination of the Russian army in Crimea.
Hours passed as the two closers stared at their phones and wondered exactly where they had gone wrong trying to politely and passive-aggressively encourage their hostage takers to get the fuck out of their restaurant. That was when, as if by some miracle, Jack walked up to the bar and asked if he was keeping them from leaving.
“Oh, I knew right what to do at that moment,” Emily said. “I’m not about to take this kind of bullshit sitting down. So, I summoned all the passive-aggression within me and I said: ‘Oh, I mean, we’ve been closed for a while. But you guys are fine.’ I wish you could have seen it. I was awesome. After that, I knew they’d be walking out those doors in the next hour or so.”
Emily was, of course, absolutely correct. Her super awesome comment did cause the campers at 74 to pull their heads out of their asses and leave, eventually. As they walked out, their lack of shame sent Mr. Elroy into a fit of rage.
“Can you believe those fuckers?” Conrad demanded of Sauce On the Side. “We spent two hours of our lives using our eyes, words, and thoughts to make them feel that they were unwelcome and that they should leave. And now those bastards walk out without so much as a thank you? That’s some bullshit.”
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