World Class Call Of Duty Player Denied Veteran's Discount
May 19, 2018
SIOUX FALLS, SD -- Competitive Call of Duty Player and self-proclaimed bad-ass, d00msd@y4URm0m#420bLaZ3iT696969!!! known in his civilian life as Brandon Hayward, is outraged at a local diner in Sioux Falls, SD. According to Brandon, Tod and Todd's Bar and Grille and Pub and Cafe refused to acknowledge his years of service in the virtual armed forces. Brandon, the kid who was caught trying to copulate with a hot cantaloupe by his mother, had this to say, “This is ludicrous! I have over 100,000 confirmed kills and a KD spread that would get me inside your mom so fast you’d be calling me step-dad in a week. They have no idea who they've made an enemy of. I pwn noobs in my sleep! They will rue the day they denied me, d00msd@y4URm0m#420bLaZ3iT696969!!!, the discount I deserve.”
Brandon is a member of a top-tier Call of Duty Ghosts team which won the 2016 Call of Duty World League championships. He is also a 19 year old high school dropout who lives in his mother’s garage. “I'm the only reason our team won the championship,” says Brandon, who keeps a fleshlight in his bed next to a box marked ‘my special place’, “the rest of my team isn't even worth their weight in loot-boxes. I am taking legal action! I will use the law to fuck their mothers like their father never could! The VFW will hear about this, once they return my calls.”
Sarah Leibowitz, an employee of Tod and Todd's, met with OTS reporters earlier today in regards to the event. “I'm so confused, the kid is like 17,or something, there is no way he's been in the army. He keeps referring to something called 'cod' and his someone called ‘Katie R.’ I thought cod was a type of fish, we don't even serve fish here! What is going on?!” The Todds refused to comment, but according to this reporter, seemed very confused by the whole ordeal.
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