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OMAHA, NE — Cara Wellington, server at Dip Schmitt’s House of Wangz, has found herself in an incredibly precarious position. Despite never having any experience as a ‘fixer,’ a group of gentleman at table 36 have just committed murder and left her to clean up the mess. “I’ve got so much side-work to do, and now they lay this on me,” Stacy, the soon to be accomplice, said, “it’s like my job never ends, and, on top of that, I just saw that they gave me my worst tip of the night. Now I have to find a hardware store that sells large quantities of lye after I finish rolling this Tumblr-users-at-a-ranch-festival amount of silverware.”

Ms. Wellington has never had to dispose of a body before; however, Ken Schmitt, the owner of the restaurant, maintains a strict policy of the customer always being right. “I don’t really care what anybody in here does to our staff as long as they give me their money,” Mr. Schmitt told Sauce OTS, “I’m just glad whoever they killed had already paid. Nothing wrong with a wild night and getting a little rowdy at my place every now and then. I just hope they ring up a bigger bar tab next time they come back.”

Cara has now roped her boyfriend, who doesn’t work at Dip Schmitt’s, because he has a car with a big enough trunk to dispose of the body. The couple, certain to end up in prison, has decided to dig a shallow grave in the park outside of town and leave the corpse there. “This isn’t my best shift, but it definitely isn’t my worst,” Cara informed this reporter, “I also have work a double tomorrow. I couldn’t really find anything about cleaning a crime scene to health code standards, so I hope I did a good enough job. I cannot afford to get written up again.”

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