MADISON, WI — Scott Bastion always thought he worked harder than everybody else at Stumblin’ Stumpy’s, but after today, he knows it. He was rotating and stocking the bottles before shift change when he made an incredible discovery: a hundred year old bottle of Bud Light Lime. “At first I was upset,” Scott, wearing a sable fedora, told Sauce OTS, “but then I realized the incredible discovery I had made. Scholars and historians have maintained for years that the 100 year old Limes had all been found. Looks like they were wrong.”

Mr. Bastion, who insists on being called ‘Indy’ now, initially took the Bud Light home with him. He claims that he just wanted to have it on hand in case anyone tried to steal it, but his roommate has confirmed that he seriously considered drinking the relic. “I decided to take it to the Anheuser Busch headquarters in Saint Louis in order to have my discovery verified as authentic. They were skeptical at first, but after they realized it wasn’t a fabrication, the Anheuser experts wanted to keep it for themselves. There was no way I was going to let that happen.”

Scott grabbed the bottle and ran for the door shouting, “It belongs in a museum.” No one was legitimately trying to stop him from exiting the building, but security camera footage and witness testimony proves that Mr. Bastion thought otherwise. In order to ‘escape’ from the campus, he assaulted two security guards, somehow managed to cause a small explosion, and stole a motorcycle. A police chase ensued, Scott somehow got a hold of a whip during the chase that he used to threaten the officers with. The ordeal ended when he arrived at the local museum and placed it in a random exhibit. He was promptly arrested and is set to stand trial next month. When asked about his actions, Scott said: “Well, I guess I went too far. I really thought it was going to work out like it does in the movies.”

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