BOSTON, MA — Gary Trout, veteran bartender of three weeks, has been looking forward to working on Super Bowl Sunday ever since he found out his favorite team, the Los Angeles Rams, had made it all the way through the post-season. “There’s nothing better than being paid to watch the big game,” Gary, actively avoiding all of his customers, told Sauce On the Side. “Yeah, I been excited about becoming a bartender from the get-go, cause it seems like they can just kind of do whatever they want. I’ve been pouring shots for myself all day. And if someone starts getting mouthy about me not getting them their beer, I just tell ‘em they’re cut off until the next commercial break.”


Mr. Trout’s general manager, Candice Weir, has been painfully aware of how terrible his newest bartender is, but due to the fact that Gary’s dad owns the restaurant, remains painfully unable to do anything about it. Last week when one customer asked for a bloody mary at lunch Gary decided that, rather than learning how to make one, he would just put some vodka, ketchup, celery, and soda water into a glass. He then argued with said customer about it for fifteen minutes until, out of sheer frustration, Gary threw the drink on them and had them kicked out. “My hands are tied,” Candice said. “None of us wanted to schedule Gary for this shift, but he left me no choice. Considering the fact that we pool tips here, I’m just waiting for the inevitable riot that comes when they see how shitty the money is when he works.”

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