SANTA ANA, CA — The Krill Yourself holiday party is currently in full swing. Every employee has hit the point of intoxication where things like climbing onto the roof seem like both a tangible and sensible idea. This is also the level of drunkenness where people began slowly pairing and deciding who they’re going to be spending their nights with. Everyone has seemed to found their match except for Dale Trisk. Because Dale Trisk is the level of scumbag that makes you want to call his mother and shout “Why?” into the phone repeatedly and then hang up.
“Every one of the bitches here are total skanks,” Dale, sporting his favorite Tapout shirt, told Sauce On the Side, “like, I’d totally hook up with any of them, they should be so lucky, but they’re bitches. They just can’t handle how badass me and my sweet Vespa are.”
Mr. Trisk is a living, breathing example of social Darwinism walking around asking if he can watch people’s drinks while they go to the bathroom. The inevitable result of this kind of behavior is that Dale has begun what could be called a masturbation marathon in the employee bathroom.
“The kid fucking sucks,” Trisha Price, one of Dale’s coworkers, said, “We can hear the weird hentai or whatever he’s listening to blaring from the portable speaker he always has on him. It’d be creepy if it weren’t so funny. We’ve been Snapchatting in front of the bathroom and tagging it ‘Forever Unboned’ on our stories. We would have fired him months ago, but we wanted to see how he would do at the Christmas party. And let me say that his level of freakshow did not dissapoint.”