MIAMI, FL — Rather than using the steady stream of customers that have been seated at his bar all day to bring in tips like any other bartender would, Conrad Laremy has been spending his energy attempting to get them all to leave as soon as possible. In utter dismay, he watched as the kitchen crew and three of the servers, finished for the night, walked up to the bar and asked for their usual shifties. “This is total bullshit,” Conrad, making a bloody mary at 11:30 pm, said. “It’s my Friday night too. Why can’t these customers take a hint and get the fuck out of my bar? I just want to get wasted and try to hook up with Cindy again. It hasn’t worked out yet, but I feel like the six months of effort I’ve put in are really starting to wear her down.” Entirely focused on his wasted efforts to sleep with a coworker, Mr. Laremy has tried everything he can think of to get off the clock as fast as he can, including: claiming that, because the bottle opener behind the bar is broken, he can only serve beers on draft, insisting that any out of state ID is fake and refusing service, and hiding all the shot glasses so that none of his coworkers can get too drunk without him. None of these efforts have been able to ebb the tide of patrons, however. “Seriously, I’m about three seconds away from cutting everyone off, just because I can,” Conrad told Sauce On the Side. “If these dickhead customers cock block me I’m gonna be pissed.” He has yet to realize that, because he’s been such a dick to everyone, he’s made about twelve dollars in tips. Which might give him enough runway to buy Cindy one drink. Provided she actually follows him to a secondary location after he gets off instead of immediately going home as she has for the past two weeks.