SCOTTSDALE, AZ — Sam Dobbs, a local chef and entrepreneur, has been adding the final touches to his last will and testament over the past few months. Recently however, he’s been making some rather strange requests to his attorney. “The man has been insisting on adding a budget for the catering, which is not all that peculiar,” Sam’s counsel reported, “the thing is, he’s insisting on preparing the entire five course meal by himself before passing.” Mr. Dobbs, claims that this is possible because, “I know my fucking cooks are going to kill me anyway. So I bet I’ll see the heart attack or stroke coming.”
Sam began changing his will to reflect his newfound desires after one of his kitchen staff asked him if pesto would affect a diner with a nut allergy. “These bastards can’t do anything right anyway,” Mr. Dobbs shouted at this reporter, “I’m just going to have the food all prepped out; and when I kick the bucket in the next few weeks, all they’ve got to do is reheat the shit. I know that they can only moderately fuck that up.” The meal itself seems to be based entirely upon spite towards both his clientele and employees. Every dish to be prepared for the wake and funeral will include insultingly high amounts of gluten, almost every major allergen, and each course will include one plate with something a coworker of his absolutely hates.
The wine pairings seem to specifically target his “lazy ass” somnolent with every course featuring several varieties of rosé and Franzia. When asked why Sam didn’t just fire the staff that’s been causing him so much misery, he went into a thirty minute tirade consisting mostly of profanity with the occasional coherent statements like:
“…if I did that, those fuckers would be getting off too easy…”
“…a human centipede of heads stuck up each other’s asses…”
“…Jesus wouldn’t be able to save them from my wrath…”
“…they’re fucking shallots, you piece of shit…goddamn produce won’t fucking show up on time….fuck them all.”