ANCHORAGE, AL — For the first time in well over 15 years, Chef Larry Johnson has experienced an emotion outside of anger. The revelation occurred after cutting himself while prepping this morning. “I don’t know what to do anymore,” Chef Johnson, still in the grips of an existential crisis, told Sauce On the Side, “I’ve cut myself before, but there was something different about this. Something conciliatory.”


The kitchen staff knew something was wrong when they walked in and heard Senses Fail playing on the back of house speakers. When they asked Larry what was wrong, he just told them that would never understand him or what he’s going through. Nobody knows what the specials are for the day because anytime they ask Larry says that he’s just living his life and they need to get off his back. Without fail, any server who tries to go into the kitchen hears Chef Johnson scream: “Get out of my room!”


“I don’t know what made a 45-year-old man decide to start acting like this, but it needs to stop,” Amelia Marks, his Sous Chef, said, “it’s like he’s been possessed by a middle-schooler or something. We’re trying to send him home before the owner gets here, but he keeps telling us that he’s his own person.”

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