PORTLAND, OR — Robert Crisper has been the head chef of The Laser Sushi Zone for three years. In that time, he has developed a reputation for flying off the handle incredibly quickly. “At first, I wondered why it was always so hot in the kitchen,” Kevin Randall, one of Robert’s line cooks, told Sauce OTS, “seriously, it was one of the hottest kitchens I had ever worked in. Then I realized that it was because of all the emotions.” Mr. Crisper maintains a high rate of turnover at his restaurant. He has fired employees for reasons such as: using the dishwashing machine’s handle incorrectly, putting a cutting board down too quickly, and improperly rotating sugar packets.


This Fourth of July, the staff at The Laser Sushi Zone have decided that, even though they’re at work, they can still be treated to an impressive fireworks display. In an attempt to possibly murder their chef, the coworkers have began to do every single thing that would bother Mr. Crisper. “We just lit the fuse and ran,” Sasha Everston, one of the servers, said, “I went ahead and just starting mixing up all the ladles for sauces on the expo station. I saw one of the cooks stabbing a cutting boards with knives, just going to town on it. I know this makes extra work for us later on, but it’s so worth it.”


Upon arriving at his restaurant, Chef Crisper took a moment to soak in the scene before him, took a deep breath, and began shouting at everyone in sight. What followed was one of the most creative combinations of profanity ever uttered over the course of human existence. Robert showed that he had the soul of a poet and the spirit of an artist when it came to demeaning his staff. At one point he referred to the emulsion blender as: “An abortion stick that I’m going to use on your mother when I go back in time.” He also began dumping the pas of sauce on the expo station into Sasha’s purse while shouting, “If I could waterboard you with these condiments, I would.” Miss Everston didn’t seem phased in the slightest, telling Sauce OTS: “This is everything we had hoped it would be and more. I can’t wait to do this again next year.”

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