DETROIT, MI — The Nobel Foundation rocked the world this week when they announced that the winner of the 2019 Nobel Peace Prize would be none other than Chef Jeffrey Chavez for the incredible act of forgiving his sous chef, Derrick. Chef Chavez joins the ranks of champions for civil rights, climate change, and world peace. When reached for comment, one prominent member of the board stated: “We usually assign this award for those who act on a global scale, but we treat every nomination with equal weight. And it just so happens that Derrick is the fucking worst. Have you seen his menu suggestions? They’re absolutely worthless. Lobster Mac and Cheese? Nice try, Derrick, this isn’t 2009.” The incident that awarded Chef the Nobel centers around the weekly truck order and how Derrick inexplicably didn’t do it. “We were out of literally everything after a busy as hell weekend,” Chef Chavez recalls. “So I ask Derrick why the truck hasn’t arrived yet. That’s when he realized that he fucked up beyond all belief. To be honest, sure, I thought about killing him, but to what end? I didn’t want to go to prison for some kid who’s not going to have anyone show up to his funeral. That’s when I turned to him and just said: ‘That’s okay. I forgive you.’ I’m not sure where it came from but I did it.” Chef Chavez is currently embarked upon a national speaking tour. Packed auditoriums around the United States have heard him talk openly about groundbreaking topics ranging from the nature of forgiveness, not blaming yourself for having a total fuck-up of an employee, what it truly means to be a sous chef with no talent and everything to prove, and finding innner peace through slamming things really loudly so everyone knows how mad you are.

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