SAN ANTONIO, TX — The entire staff of Raspberry Pie, a local pizzeria, was sent reeling into a state of complete mortification in regards to their own actions at their annual holiday party last night. The owner hosted the event at his establishment and provided a liberally open bar without any food for his employee’s to eat. “That was mistake number one,” an anonymous kitchen worker confessed to Sauce OTS, “Maybe if we’d have had some food things wouldn’t have went so far downhill.” Thirty minutes into the affair, the service industry workers had managed to drink six and a half bottles of various hard liquor, down over 45 beers, move a kayak into the walk-in -no one is sure exactly how they procured it, and fill the entire kitchen with cigarette smoke.
“I can’t feel my face, I pray for the sweet release of death, and I don’t think we can open this morning because the majority of our staff has been arrested,” John Davos, bar manager for Raspberry Pie, slurred to this reporter, “I get these weird moments of lucidity from last night and all I feel is disgust. I think we killed a guy last night. There’s a chef’s knife missing from the kitchen.” Two hours into the party, the open bar had run out of alcohol. In order to remedy this, the employees proceeded to rob a convenience store. Any further details are unavailable due to San Antonio PD’s policy regarding comments on an open investigation.
“That was the most traumatizing night of my entire life,” Gregorio Perez, the 17 year old dishwasher for Raspberry Pie, told this reporter, “I’ve never seen human beings act that way. I didn’t even know they could. They tore the place apart and made me a stripper pole. All of them kept telling me they wanted a table dance and were throwing quarters at me.” Greg, a witness to the homicide, also claims to have seen sexual acts taking place in the most creative ways possible. The remainder of the staff are refusing to speak to Gregorio out of fear of what he knows. The Christmas party next year will be hosted at a different location.