HOUSTON, TX — Antonio Hawk is one of the worst line cooks to have ever walked the earth. This fact does nothing to stop him from believing that he is better than everyone else that he works with and has worked with in the past. His awe-inspiring ability to completely miss the point often forces his fellow line cooks to wonder aloud: “What the fuck are you doing?” Several weeks ago, the kitchen found out that Antonio had been throwing away pickles that were more than a week old because: “Nobody wants a stale pickle.” It took around three hours to explain what pickling was and no one is entirely sure that he really understood it. “Oh yeah, that dude’s the worst,” Marcus, one of Mr. Hawk’s coworkers, said. “Total fucking idiot. I’ve never met someone who’s so dangerously confident in his ability to cook. We had to stop him from sanitizing raw chicken with bleach before cooking it. You should have seen what he did yesterday. That shit was hilarious. It was terrible and he got sent home for it, but still. Super funny.” The incident Marcus is referring to would be Antonio’s attempts to give his steaks the “perfect” grill marks in the middle of a rush. Oscar, the kitchen manager who rightfully kicked him off the line, had this to say about it: “The dolt’s working grill (stupid decision on my part anyway) and we’re dragging a rare steak. It’s like a thirty-minute ticket at this point, so I tell him I need that fucking steak to sell. Antonio’s dumb ass slaps it onto the plate, so now I’ve gotta wipe everything around it down, and then just starts going to work on it like a toddler coloring a wall. He turns up to me and says that he always gets perfect grill marks this way. We have no idea how long he’s been poisoning people, but we’re really trying to get him to stop finding new ways to do it.”

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