NEWARK, NJ — Tom Yorke has been called “The Sage of Cilantro” by his coworkers at House of Paininis. Mr. York has been dispensing wisdom to the restaurant’s employees for years now. His word is taken as dogma and his followers never hesitate to take his lectures to heart. Tom’s only qualifications to be in such a position is the mere fact that he can vividly remember the year 1994. “Ah yes, Weezer’s Blue Album was released that year,” Mr. York, wearing a sari for some reason, recalled fondly, “it was quite an event to behold. My adoring flock is always gobsmacked when I regale them with such tidbits.”


It would seem that the reverence Tom experiences at work has gone completely to his head. His title, “The Sage of Cilantro” has been tattooed on every employee’s arm. “Watching Bill Clinton’s first State of the Union address has given me great power. It’s my duty to wield it responsibly,” Tom said. The owner of the restaurant is certain that his oldest employee is attempting to start a cult. He has had to reprimand “The Sage of Cilantro” for doing initiation rituals while clocked in on multiple occasions. “If that guy gets any weirder, I’m going to fire him,” the owner of House of Paininis told Sauce OTS, “I couldn’t care less if his freakshow flock leaves with him when I do can him. At least the FBI won’t be raiding my restaurant.”

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