WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Parsley Stem, an area bar, has never once received a citation for serving minors in the ten years its doors have been open. The bar’s success in this area is the sole contribution of Larz Picker, the creepiest bartender in North America. In addition to clearing his search history after every bathroom break he takes, Larz possesses the unnerving ability to effortlessly spot anyone under the age of twenty-one who walks into the building. His coworkers are less in awe of his prowess. They would prefer not to work with him, but insist that it’s nice to save some time by not having to ask for IDs.


“It took years of study to get where I am now,” Mr. Picker, who constantly discusses his fleshlight collection with customers, told Sauce OTS, “I started looking for 18 year olds back in the day; because, you know, I don’t think I’d last very long in jail. I got good at sniffing out the under 21 crowd after I was hired here.” Larz’s employer refuses to talk about him and his ability at all. Cindy, one of his coworkers, had this to say about the man: “One time, he told me he used to drive an ice cream truck. I assume he got fired from that job, but I didn’t want to ask. You wanna know how good he is? Last week we had a girl come in here and try to order a bloody mary. Larz takes one look at her says: ‘nice try sweetheart, why don’t you come back here in six months when you finally turn 21.’ She practically ran out the door. There’s something seriously wrong with that guy.”

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