JACKSON, MS — Randy Mcarthur, a server at Catfish Eddie’s Steakhouse, stiffed on tips yet again tonight. “I just don’t understand it, I was nice, I was complimentary, I was available for all their needs, and I told great jokes! Why didn’t they tip me,” Randy wondered.

“I really think it’s Catfish Eddie’s fault,” Randy, projecting his inadequacies, said: “He makes us wear these uniforms, they’re so stupid. If I could wear my ripped up, cheeto-stained band T-Shirts people would see the real me. All these policies put in place are really insensitive. For example: maybe people don’t want to eat right away, why not let them pick their own tables? It’s the machine, man, some real deep state stuff is going on here.”

When asked about Randy’s service this evening, one young couple he served reported that he lingered in the adjacent booth, leaping out of it to fill their glasses before they were even halfway empty. “It was scary, he has these long-fingernailed hands, and Randy picked up the glasses by the rim everytime,” the young woman shuddered at the mere mention of his name, and further described her experience: “He sat down at the table and showed me his collection of ‘vintage Hot Topic Tees’ on his phone for like twenty minutes. The whole time I was thinking, don’t you have other tables?”

“First thing he said was that Rebekah, my girlfriend, had ‘a nice rack,’ and that I had ‘scored big like the crocodile hunter.’ Who says something like that, I mean besides CEOs and Hollywood producers. Those perverts are incapable of realizing that everybody around them is an actual human being, but what’s this guy’s excuse,” the young man told Sauce OTS, “Randy also told this weird story about a farmer and a sheep It just came out of nowhere. Is he a farmer? I don’t understand. Oh, and this dude whispered the joke to us like it was some kind of secret. He was alternating between my ear and my girlfriend’s, so I never heard the punchline, but Rebekah didn’t seem into how the joke ended at all. I love catfish Eddie’s. They have the best burgers around, but, Randy….”

“Randy is a key part of this business,” Catfish Eddie informed this reporter, via Skype on his ranch in Idaho, “my entire economic efficiency model is turnover. The more Randys I have on payroll, the more customers I have paying me and walking out the door. Catfish Eddie ain’t no fool.” Catfish Eddie went on to explain that “Catfish Eddie ain’t no fool” is, in fact, his catchphrase and that is never fails to “get the babes on a direct flight to pleasure town.” Pleasure town, according to Catfish Eddie, is what he colloquially refers to as his bedroom.

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