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OVERLAND PARK, KS — John Hopkins has been a student at the area culinary school for several years. He was prepared to graduate at the top of his class this semester. “Everything was going so well. I thought I knew everything about cooking,” John told Sauce OTS, “next thing you know, I’m pulled into a meeting with the top chefs at the school. I thought they were going to offer me a better job than the one I had lined up. Instead, I am being told that I can’t graduate this year because I don’t meet the minimum requirement for tattoos.” The policy was created last year, after the culinary academy made the fatal error of graduating a student who only had an ankle tattoo.

“We just don’t feel comfortable graduating anyone from this program that doesn’t have the appropriate amount of ink,” Stacy Caltrop, head of the culinary school, said, “our students need to be considered unemployable by any other profession due the amount of body art they have.” The program justifies holding John back because: “We have no idea what bands he likes.” Mr. Hopkins plans to remedy the situation as soon as he can. “I’ve got a seven sessions scheduled at the local tattoo parlor,” John informed this reporter, “I’m going to get a bunch of fish in some kind of cosmic aquarium all down my left arm. I also plan on getting the 311 emblem with a big ‘x’ over it on my neck.” The school is encouraged by Mr. Hopkin’s dedication to being a chef. They plan to graduate him if he follows through with all seven sessions, and if he gets gauges in time to walk at the graduation ceremony.

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