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OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — Courtney Barker, proud sorority member, has been a regular at North Dakota Roadhouse since she moved to Oklahoma in order to attend the prestigious Oklahoma City Community College. Over the course of two years, Courtney has been unsuccessfully trying to get North Dakota Roadhouse to stock mayonnaise for her. Last week, she had finally had enough and brought in her own jar.

 

“She’s the worst, I don’t even know why she comes here,” Jesus Dominic, a server at North Dakota Roadhouse, told Sauce On the Side, “we’ve been pulling all the stops trying to get her to never come back, but she’s like the herpes I got ten years ago: she keeps coming back.”

 

Brandishing a five-gallon jar of Hellman’s that she bought with her mom’s Costco card, Courtney strode into the restaurant. Rather than waiting for a hostess, Miss Barker sat her self and began shouting her order at the disinterested staff. The minute her food arrived, Courtney wasted no time smothering her steak in a lather of mayonnaise that Jesus described as “animalistically disgusting.” Every on the clock watched as she gorged herself on a meal that was 90 percent fat. The servers have decided to wait 15 minutes before calling 911 when her inevitable heart attack occurs.

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