BIRMINGHAM, AL — Bryan, a newcomer to Suzy Q’s Palace of Booze, informed Sauce OTS that the whisky he had ordered was alright, but not exactly what he was expecting. “It just didn’t have that aggressive chemical aftertaste I seek out,” Bryan said, “the whiskey I received lacked the complexity I search for in a well drink.” Without that subtle mix of ineffable, rank flavor, Bryan, found himself devoid of any joy in drinking it.
“The minute that delicious, oaky, rich flavor hits my tongue I knew this hooch wasn’t for me. When I go out, I drink the worst swill I can find, straight and neat, just like my father showed me how to when I was six. I follow a tradition that demands a lack of integrity in my whiskey. I want to fight my booze, mano a mano. To the very bottom of the glass. Is that too much to ask?”
A sommelier once described the whiskey Bryan typically enjoys as “Satan’s hot load, cast in sulfur and deepest sorrow, with notes of Drano and a nose that can only originate from a beverage created in a large, soul crushing, industrial still.” Upon seeing the review of his brand of choice, Bryan retaliated saying: “That’s what I got when I was just a poor, little lad. That sad, sour flavor takes me back to the good old days, when my father and mother were constantly fighting. It was a simpler time, when I would be put to bed and my parents would look down at me with their sad and vacant eyes. That’s what I look for when I have a drink at the end of the day.” Bryan has since finished the whiskey that was too good for him and decided to seek out his perverted nostalgia at a different location.