LOS ANGELES, CA — Hank Hasben enjoys pronouncing wine and menu items in the most obnoxious way possible, belittling his wife, and telling children that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. He also knows exactly how everything should be cooked, despite never having worked in the service industry in his life. Hank has brought his bold worldview to the local restaurant Magnifique. “I have quite the panache for fine cuisine,” Mr. Hasben told Sauce OTS, “I enjoy taking my palate on a tour de force of flavor, if you will.” His server, Bethany, is entirely certain that Hank will be leaving her a tip as satisfying as his personality.
“This guy is like a human abstinence pamphlet,” Bethany said, “he spent the first fifteen minutes at the table looking for misspellings and grammatical errors on the wine menu. He also insisted that I find out specifically what grains were in the multi-grain bread provided before the meal.” Hank insists that he is a man of taste, and will order nothing less than the most expensive item on the menu. In the case of Magnifique, the highest cost dish would be the Filet Mignon. “I knew it had to be well done, you can’t get the true quality of the meat without cooking it all the way through. All that blood only takes away from the quality of the meat, and if it takes any less than forty five minutes to cook, I send it back. Great food takes time, and I want everyone at my table to wait on my food. That way they know how superior my taste truly is,” Hank said. Mr. Hasben’s wife plans to serve him divorce papers in the next few days.