PITTSBURG, PA — The front of house employees at Prawnzi Scheme have been watching in awe as one of their customers has managed to take their bottomless scampi lunch special far too seriously. “He’s been here for three hours. Since we opened,” Tiffany Beowulf, the customer’s server, whispered, “he’s managed to eat 15 plates of scampi. We asked the kitchen and they said that’s seven and a half pounds of shrimp.”


Everyone working today has started neglecting their own tables just to watch this man destroy his dignity with seafood. After the fifth plate, Tiffany went to the back office and asked her manager, Dave, if it was possible to cut a customer off at a certain point for their own health. Dave said no. Around plate 9, the customer in question began getting a little sluggish and nodding off a little bit. At that point he just reached under the table, brought out a Red Bull he’d brought with him, and kept on shoveling scampi into his mouth.


The kitchen manager brought out plate 12 herself and asked him if he was okay. All he said to her was: “She left me.” Several servers have gone over to try and console the man, but nothing seems to fill the empty void he appears to have in his life other than shrimp. It remains to be seen if he will make it to plate sixteen. The staff has started taking bets on how long he can keep this up before passing out.

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