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ATLANTA, GA — Full of Crepe, an area diner, is currently the site of a landmark epiphany. Conrad Doyle, a regular at the establishment and a bit of an idiot, has been holding is fork in front of his mouth for the past fifteen minutes. No one on staff is entirely certain what is happening, and they are growing concerned that he may need help. “I really don’t want to go over and talk to him,” Erica, his server, told Sauce OTS, “he’s probably just thinking about some weird shit.”

“Seriously, I can’t believe this hasn’t occurred to me yet,” Conrad informed this reporter, upon being approached, “it’s ranch, but it doesn’t come from a field. This is blowing my mind right now. I think I need to go home and lie down for a while. I’m going to rethink my life choices.” Mr. Doyle left the establishment, fork still suspended, without paying for his meal. When told why Conrad had left, Erica had this to say: “Are you kidding me? That’s what that was? It’s because it was the house dressing at a dude ranch, and they began to bottle and sell it as ‘Ranch Dressing.’ Seriously, I hope he never comes back.”

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