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SAINT LOUIS, MO — A local brewery has brought Jeffrey Calthrop, beloved county drunk and casual racist, into a state of profound reflection. It would appear that finally being cut off -after decades of determined binge-drinking- has opened Mr. Calthrop’s eyes to the profundity of existence. “It’s just that I’ve never been told no before,” Jeff, immodel citizen, told Sauce OTS, “sure, in my younger days I would’ve seen the err of my ways, but at this point I think I’m too far gone.”

Jeffrey, who has been arrested multiple times for indecent exposure, is frightened that he will be cut off again sometime soon. “Now that it’s happened once,” Mr. Calthrop said, “I’m worried I won’t be able to stop. Being cut off, that is. At my age, drinking until you make everyone else at the bar uncomfortable is no longer considered quirky, and it’s clearly becoming a nuisance.” Jeff has resolved himself to double down on the misogyny and disorderly conduct, in a last ditch effort to redeem himself. “They’ve gotta serve me tomorrow. I guess I’ll just go in and be the best, worst person I can be. It’s all I have left at this point. I’m doing this for the kids I don’t talk to, my first and third wife, and the bartenders who love to hate me so much.”

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