ORLANDO, FL — Dale Kershaw is a devoted husband, loving father of three, and completely apathetic to the events transpiring at his daughter’s twenty-first birthday. Lacy, his oldest, was told she could mark the occasion at whatever restaurant she wanted, and she chose Dirty Dan’s Heavy Hand. The establishment prides itself on serving drinks that can only be compared to Four Loko (pre ban.) “I don’t understand what the appeal of this place is,” Dale, wearing a pink feather boa and a cone hat reading ‘birthday slut,’ told Sauce OTS, “I don’t know who this Kesha lady is, coming over the speakers, but she seems disrespectful. I asked the bartender if he had any Sting, and he just gave me a shot of something.”

Lacy is having a great time, and she is overjoyed that her father took the time to come out with her tonight. “I wanted him to come here so bad,” Lacy explained as she sipped from a cocktail called The Morning After Chill, “all he drinks at home is craft beer, it’s so lame. I hope Dirty Dan’s shows him what good drinks are supposed to be. Like, look at me, this thing has like six different boozes in it.” Dale’s daughter talked him into one more drink before he left for the night. She made it very clear it was important to her that he try Dirty Dan’s signature cocktail: The Flaming Prolapse. “I’m not sure what’s in it at all,” Mr. Kershaw said, “but they rang a bell when I ordered it, and the whole bar cheered when the bartender lit it on fire. I’m not even sure how to drink this. I asked the bartender if he had any IPAs intsead and he handed me a shot again. I will never come back here.”

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