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GREENSBORO, NC — Jeremy Stewart, front of house manager for Al Frankenfurters, is pissed. Heather, one of his servers, died tragically after bursting into flames from being erroneously wasted and standing too close to a candle. “The funeral was touching,” Jeremy told Sauce OTS, “but her shift started two hours ago, and that lazy piece of shit is nowhere to be found.” What concerns Mr. Stewart most of all is that, up until now, Heather had never been late before. One of her coworkers, Josh, told this reporter that he would not, in fact, pick up her section because, “I’ve got my own shit going on and I don’t see why Heather is making her issues my problem.”

Unfortunately for the deceased, she will more than likely be written up for her lackadaisical approach to her job today. “If she pulls some shit like this again, I’m going to have to fire her. I don’t want to, but that’s our policy. We can’t have deadweight here at Al Frankenfurters,” Jeremy informed this reporter. After learning that he had no say in the matter and was going to have to take Heather’s section today, Josh decided to get a hold of Heather’s mother in a last ditch effort to avoid working any harder than he had to. “It was weird, Heather’s mom just started crying when I asked her where she was. She was totally useless, this is bullshit. Heather better be able to cover my shift next week, because she owes me big time.”

At the time of this publication, Heather was unable to be reached for comment. When Sauce OTS approached her relatives for a statement, they responded by saying, “what the fuck is wrong with you service industry people.”

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