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LOS ANGELES, CA — Kevin’s Bacon Pizza and Wings, a local restaurant, has been hemorrhaging delivery drivers over the past few weeks, and none of the managers are entirely sure why. “We’ve had guys on payroll here for months who make random deliveries and just never show back up again,” Peter Jordan, general manager, told Sauce OTS, “the only way we can keep drivers on staff right now is by hiring high school kids to run pizza for us, and they’re useless.” The phenomenon piqued the interest of this reporter, who was able to make contact with several of the former employees.

Jordan Smith, now know as Hugh Hardstudd, was asked to comment on the situation, “oh, yeah, I quit that shit job the moment I could. This opportunity just fell right onto my lap, so to speak. I’m making my rounds, and next thing you know, I’m knocking on the door to a porn set with all these beautiful, naked people inside, faking orgasms. They didn’t even know I wasn’t one of them, and next thing I know, I’m pretending to cuckold this housewife while the mailman watches from the window and pleasures himself. Actually, I have no idea if that was the actual mailman or an actor, I never saw him on set after that.”

Chad Bro, owner of the erotic production company, gave his take on his recent hires, “These studs are great, I haven’t had to pay for a pizza or tip anyone for the food in over a month, and I don’t even have to pay them scale. I just give them a hundred bucks and tell them to show up on set the next day. I just wish that restaurant would stop hiring high school kids. Well, I guess they’ll turn eighteen eventually.”

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