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SAN ANTONIO, TX — Gabriel Tiffany Gomez is a twenty six year old busboy, who has been single for the past five years, against his will. He spends the majority of his days working at Stew’s Stew, Brew and Blues, and the remainder of his days in a general malaise. For the past week, Gabe has been trying to get transferred into the dish pit in order to indulge in his latest fascination. “I just keep staring at the cutting board, while the prep guys are using it,” Mr. Gomez said, “there’s just something about it, you know. I feel this weird pull towards it, I just feel like it gets me.”

“The guy’s fucking weird,” Isaac Brames, prep cook for Stew’s Stew, Brews and Blues, told Sauce OTS, “he just keeps coming into the kitchen and glaring at me while I’m working. He never says anything, all Gabe does is rub his arm and smack his lips. I’m pretty sure he had an erection one time.” Restaurant management informed this reporter that it is unlikely Mr. Gomez will be getting the dishwashing position he’s requested, due to the fact that they fear he might ‘shoot up the place, or something eventually, we don’t know. He’s weird, why are you doing a story about him? Can’t you just do a story on our specials or something? Are you recording this? Don’t put all of this in the article, please.’ Gabe plans to go to WalMart tonight and purchase several cutting boards.

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