AKRON, OH — Connor Marshall has been a dishwasher at On Poi-pose for three months. Over the course of his tenure, Mr. Marshall has gained thirty pounds and is making impressive strides towards advanced pre-diabetes. “Every time I clock off, I’m just so stuffed,” Connor, sucking some sriracha off of his shirt, said. “I take my job here very seriously. So when they told it me was my job to clean off the plates, I knew what I had to do.” All of Connor’s coworkers are growing increasingly concerned about his health and grotesquely curious as to how the binge-eating fest in the dishpit will end.
“We’ve tried everything,” Carter Madsen, Marshall’s general manager, told Sauce On the Side. “All of our servers know he’s like a goldfish but sometimes, in the middle of a rush, we slip up and forget to scrape our plates off in the server area instead.” Connor has been told repeatedly that he doesn’t have to eat all of the food that they bring him, that it’s a health code violation, and that it does nothing to bring food cost down -despite the fact that he thinks it does somehow. Unfortunately, their pleas have consistently fallen on deaf, gout-ridden ears. The crew of On Poi-pose have started their own death pool for the young disher. As of now, the majority of employees believe that Connor will have a heart-attack within the next year after eating one of their tempura dishes.