BALTIMORE, MD — Zack Evans, dishwasher for Jazz Cans, has stumbled upon the true meaning of life itself. The rub of it is, no one he works with cares at all. Mr. Evans has maintained entirely frivolous conversations with the staff of Jazz Cans one too many times. “He was running his mouth about world peace or something,” Constance Pride, line cook, told Sauce OTS, “I’ve heard him say so much useless shit over the years that I kind of just tune him out at this point.” Zack doesn’t feel the need to publish the solution to the suffering of humanity, unfortunately, due to the fact that he believes everyone he is speaking with is actually listening to him.

“It’s so crazy man,” Zack said, “I was smoking weed with my cat last night, and it just hit me. The reason why we treat each other so poorly and how to fix it, that is. Like all we have to do is…” At this point, Mr. Evans just started monologuing, really droning on like an idiot, like just imagine the dumbest person you know and then imagine they’re even more stupid than that. At that point, this reporter ceased taking notes. While trying to avoid editorializing the story, Sauce OTS must agree with Zack’s coworkers: the dude just kind of talks at you and thinks it’s a conversation. At the time of publication, Mr. Evans is still being ignored by everyone he speaks with on the matter.

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