MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Conrad Connorson has been dreading February 14th ever since he found out it wasn’t canceled this year, despite his multiple petitions to whoever’s in charge of calendars, and everyone on staff at Broc and Roll has been anticipating his inevitable meltdown after hearing that his divorce was finalized three weeks ago. As it stands, halfway through the Valentine’s Day rush, Conrad has been entirely unreasonable while graciously staying beyond reproach.

“Honestly, I’ve only seen him in tears, like, eight times so far,” Mikey Mike, a server and literal shoulder to cry on for Mr. Connorson, told Sauce On the Side. “We started taking bets last week, and if he doesn’t burst into tears at least ten more times, I’m out a hundred bucks. I promise we’re not bad people. We’re just really bored.”

Broc and Roll’s manager is far too deep into the thralls of self-pity and mired in the past to take notice of his employees’ are attempts to profit off of his misery. “I didn’t expect the level of support I’ve been getting from everyone on the clock today,” Conrad, scrolling through his ex-wife’s messages to another man, said. “They really want to everything about what I’m going through and it’s really nice. I would have never considered seeing what my ex had to say about me behind my back. It’s so traumatizing but I’m glad that everyone here is helping me forget about that succubus.”

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