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POUGHKEEPSIE, NY — Carl has worked at the Grub and Getalong Gastropub/BP station for over 40 years. The restaurant specializes in fine foods from gas stations around the world. If you find yourself in need of a bahn mi, a bag of Combos, chicken masala, a NOS energy drink, and some 10W-30 4-cycle oil for a riding John Deere lawn mower: Grub and Getalong is the place for you. Carl Haggardy is the head chef, and he has recently been diagnosed with acute cirrhosis.

“I’m filing for worker’s compensation. If it hadn’t been for the G and G, I would never have drank every single night for the past 40 years,” Carl said after being found at the bar of the local Complete Carpet Care/hair transplant surgery center “Rugs and Plugs.”

“I see a direct correlation between the cooking, the cleaning, the customers, everything,” Carl told Sauce OTS, “I can guarantee that I had a shot for everytime someone asked if they could order off the kids menu because they ‘weren’t that hungry,’ or wanted to see if they could get a reservation but ‘they didn’t know how many people were coming.’ I want to drink right now just thinking about it.”

“And don’t even get me started on the mods. All the people who just want it plain, what’s the deal with that? Why come to a restaurant in the first place? No, seriously, why? You want a plain hamburger?” Carl paused to take a shot of Espolon with a Tecate back, “you’re telling me you drove somewhere to get a plain hamburger with no salt, what the hell is wrong with you?”

Openly weeping now, Carl stared at the floor for a little while. “Maybe it was my fault. I just wanted to make nice food for people, but there’s customers everywhere. You just can’t escape them. Sometimes I thought I could quit and work at ‘Nuts and Bolts’ the local seed emporium/acorn museum/bulk fabric store, but there’d be customers there too probably asking if they could get ‘plain clothes and plain cashews’.”

After Carl stiffened himself with a rum and coke he had one last ominous thing to say to this reporter: “Somebody’s gotta pay. It’s Carl’s time now. Just plain Carl.”

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