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ORLANDO, FL -- Soup’s On, a local steakhouse that refuses to serve soup, is in the middle of an employment crisis. After being forced to close yesterday, due to the fact that every line cook walked out in unison, the business is scrambling to hire any applicant they can get their hands on. After a thorough investigation on the part of Sauce On the Side, it was determined that the origin of Soup’s On’s situation was an agreement made by everyone in the kitchen to “Stop fucking with each other, like seriously, we’re done.” The decision came about after Dave, one of the line cooks, insisted that the jokes had finally gone too far when raw salmon was smeared onto his face while the rest of the cooks shouted: “Ahoy, matey!” Nobody outside of the kitchen is entirely sure how things got that bad or what the context of “Ahoy, matey!” even is. One thing they do know for sure, is that the minute everyone in the kitchen stopped messing with each other, an incredibly delicate ecosystem had been disturbed. “I heard one of the guys back there say thank you for the first time in six years,” Stacey Abrams, a server at Soup’s On, told Sauce On the Side. “It looked like it caused him physical pain. Then every time there was an opportunity to say something shitty about someone else’s mom, no one took it. I could literally feel the tension building in the air.” The final straw for Soup’s On’s kitchen was when someone dropped a plate and nobody said: “That doesn’t go there.” The cooks simply stared at each other for three minutes. Rather than caving to the ingrained need to ridicule coworkers and going back on their word, everyone decided that quitting was the most humane thing to do. In order to maintain their mental health. No one has been able to persuade anyone who walked out to come back, and it remains to be seen how long it will take Soup’s On to recover from the loss of their entire kitchen.

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