COLOMBUS, OH — The entire staff at Fratlas Chugged, a local college bar, had been running on fumes for over a month, and, as of this morning, they all collectively ran dry in the middle of the lunch shift. This dengerous phenomenon has only occurred once before in the history of Fratlas Chugged, when the restaurant was burned to the ground four years ago. And the specter of this past event looms heavily over the burnt out employees today.

Customers throughout the restaurant have been in awe of the record-breaking poor service they have received during their lunch break. After being asked by one of their tables for more water, no ice, the server simply responded: “You know how you want it, just get it yourself.” Fratlas Chugged’s patrons have also been forced to shout their orders into the kitchen in the hopes that they’ll actually make the food instead of pretending to detail clean and watching YouTube videos. As of 12:45, a bartender has yet to arrive.

“I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I’m just not feeling it today,” Sophie Branson, a mentally drained server, told Sauce On the Side while combing through Instagram. “We’re just gonna give the customers run of this place until it’s time to start doing side work for the evening crew. That’s when we’re burning this motherfucker to the ground. I’m not kidding, the kitchen’s got it all planned out. Just like we did last time. Usually, there’s at least one person on staff who still feels alive inside and inspires us all to keep on trucking. Today, we’re not so fortunate. So, you know, fuck it. We’re done. I could use a vacation, anyway.”

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