MILWAUKEE, WI — The staff of Urban Troutfitters, an area seafood restaurant, has found itself in the midst of a debate as to what to do with their newest employee. Dale Delaney, a recent hire at Urban Troutfitters and an allegedly reformed member of society, has been aggressively flaunting his acuity with blades all around his place of work. “It scares the shit out of us,” Jessica, the back of house manager, told Sauce OTS, “seriously, we’ve hid the knives in the restaurant from him before. Next thing we know, Dale’s in the prep kitchen cutting onions with a sharpened spatula handle faster than any of us ever could.”

Dale’s ingenuity in weapon crafting is all the employees can talk about. This reporter was informed that he had used a ticket stabber with a toilet paper grip to de-ice the freezer last week. “Nobody asked him to do that,” Sam, one of the servers, said, “but Dale never really responds well to authority. His manager came up to him and told him that we didn’t have to de-ice anything until next week. After that, Dale just starts shouting about people always trying to control him, and doubles down on stabbing the shit out of the ice. The creepiest part for me, was that I think he genuinely enjoyed plunging that ticket stabber into anything and everything.”

Dale has never been personally approached about the issue by any of his coworkers. When asked for comment on the situation by Sauce OTS, Mr. Delaney had this to say, “why don’t we just keep my business, my business. You don’t look like someone who’s ever been in a prison riot, so we don’t we avoid me having to make you my bitch.” After running out to the car and fetching a fresh pair of pants, this reporter was back to discuss the matter with the owner of Urban Troutfitters. “Who, Dale? That guy makes me nervous. You think I want to fire him? Under ‘What Skills Would You Bring to the Team?’ on his resume, he wrote down ‘Curb stomping motherfuckers until the cops come.’ So yeah, he’s got a job here until he stabs one of the servers for changing an order that he’s already plated.”

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