TULSA, OK — Mikey “The Balls” Ficus has been an expo at Charcute For The Moon going on six months. Rather than actually doing his job or aggressively hitting on the servers as any other sensible expo worker should, Mikey has opted to try and garner the kitchen’s favor. This has led to some understandable tension between the back of house employees and their wannabe best friend.


“As a line cook, I can confidently say that we’re not complicated creatures,” Brad Loman, obviously a line cook at Charcute For The Moon, said, “sure, we may pick the most random bullshit to get unreasonably mad at almost all  the time, but what we really want at the end of the day is simple: for front of house to be able to read our minds and leave us alone until we need them. Is that so much to ask?”


It would appear that for “The Balls” the answer is a resounding yes. Ticket times before a rush hover around 30 minutes due to the fact that Mikey spends all of his time standing directly in front of the window and telling the kitchen ‘hilarious’ stories about how he used to haze pledges in his fraternity that almost certainly implicate him in multiple felonies.


Any attempts on the kitchen’s part to stop him from trying to be friends with them has proven futile. They have exhausted every combination of profane words they could think of, thrown things at him, and keyed his car repeatedly, all to no avail. “The guy’s a master of denial,” Brad told Sauce On the Side, “we’ve thrown the literal book of fuckery at him and nothing seems to stick. If we have to hear him tell his prom night butt chug story again I think we’re gonna end up killing him.”

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